Dysfunctional is FUN!
by Cyanide Waffle
Summary: A funny oneshot thing about a dropout from the Geffen Academy of Magic and his funny little pet muka.


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**Disclaimer**: I don't own RO. Meh. All characters belong to me, however, and copying/adapting them will be blatant plagiarism (not to mention the fact that I will bite your head off for it. Glad we got that out of the way)

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Kireaemitoha Swirh-Kei-Mehon is a magician of sorts. He is unique in many ways, the most obvious one being his incredibly unpronounceable name. He also happened to be twenty five years old, strikingly unhandsome, a bit of a pervert at times, and used to be a student of the Geffen Academy Of Magic (BMgc, failed). Perhaps his most unique feature is his innane ability to comprehend the most advanced magical spells- everything from the High Wizard level gravitational field to the sage's ability to flood the place with the help of powerful tsunamis- but thats where it ends. He can't actually cast any of those spells. Well, its a little more complicated than that. He most certainly cast the spells, but they often do nothing, or at times they make his hair turn bright pink for an hour or so, or sometimes just dissolve his enemy's shoes. Since these are not very useful in the heat of combat (Except perhaps the thing he does with shoes- he once defeated a disgruntled Paladin who lost his balance when his greaves suddenly vanished. His helm had covered his eyes and he did not notice Kireaemitoha's form struggling to put as much distance between himself and the paladin as possible. This resulted in the Paladin tripping over him and falling into the Izlude moat. He was glad, for his own sake, that he never saw the furious Paladin ever again), he finally ended up giving up on the Mage academy and set out to carve out his own path in life. That is, he's a bum.

However, today's adventure has nothing to do with powerful Paladins, or any warrior of brute force and cunning or brutes at all. It has everything to do with the sort of thing that Kireaemitoha is best at- socializing with the ladies (Or so he thinks. The truth is, when it comes to flirting, he stinks). The magician had spotted a lovely looking young lady that seemed to be doing her shopping. His brilliant blue eyes (which were his most - and only - striking feature) swept over her dark cascading hair and the pretty dress that fit her pretty self so well. She was comely enough, he decided without further observation. That was the mark of a good mage, as he always said to himself, efficiency. When it came to this sort of thing, Kireaemitoha was quite 'efficient'

"What do you think, muck? Lovely looking lady, and she seems to need help with all that baggage, dontcha think?" He looked down at the cactus that was following him. Ah, his cactus. While most people were lucky enough to get something chibi to come after them, or even something furry perhaps, or even something vicious enough to do something of worth in battle- Kireaemitoha had a cactus. The muka had seemed taken from the first time it met the mage, and generally followed him about. At first, it had liked to hug him as often as possible, but Kireaemitoha soon had too many holes in his cloak and little poke-marks in his skin to allow it to continue. The muka remained his pet, though, and he had wisely named it "Muck"

"Lets close in, then" He murmured to Muck, and so they did. He let his little gem of a foliage go ahead and soften the lady's heart, and then he would follow. She would undoubtedly be swept off her feet by his charm and good looks. He gave the little muka a gentle shove and watched it trot over to the young lady, struggling not to fall over (Muka had perfect balance when it came to poking unsuspecting travellers in the desert sand, but it was rather difficult for them when they tried the same on cobbled streets). Kireaemitoha plastered the most charming grin on his face that he could manage, and struck a sort of pose next to a lamp post, while he waited for the young lady to notice him and his cactus. Muck pulled at the maiden's skirt. Once. Twice. Again. He wondered if she had some sort of dysfunction with her nervous system- how could she not notice it! Finally, Muck head butted her and she looked down at him with the shadow of a laugh that was still lingering on her face from a moment before. It faded away rather quickly, and soon changed into an expression of pure, raw terror. That was soon followed by a scream. A scream that would attract masculine assistance, Kireaemitoha thought.

Soon enough, a large man in half his Paladin's amour trudged out of a nearby shop. "Arina! What is it? Is everything okay...?" Kireaemitoha gulped. It was the Paladin from Izlude, and his eyes had fallen on the mage and the little cactus (which was literally stuck to him. It had run off from the shrieking lady and hugged its master, and thereby got its modified leaves logdged firmly within its master's cloak). This would not end well, Kireaemitoha decided. He was quite right.

"YOU! YOU SCARED MY WIFE!" The Paladin bellowed, and charged at the whimpering mage with the force (and appearence) of a rampaging hippo.

"Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiit!" He shrieked, his voice rather higher than usual. Why the hell was this woman phobic of xerophytes, anyway? Most women thought Muka were cute! And of all people, why was she his wife anyway? "I wasn't I wasn't scaring anybody yo-you see my muka was lost and I was searching for him and and annd aaaand, hey is that King Tristan?" He pointed over the Paladin's shoulder, hoping, praying...

"You think I'm stupid, don't you, to fall for something as stupid as that?" The Paladin roared at him.

"N-noo! I really did think I saw him, honest!" Kireaemitoha wailed desperately.

The two warriors faced each other, and understanding was between them in the form of sparks of electricity. Their minds were one for that instant in time. Both knew what the other meant, both knew what was to be done. Kireaemitoha turned and ran, and the Paladin followed. The mage's forehead was beaded with sweat as he leaped the last few stairs towards the west exit of Geffen city and jumped right into the portal. The Paladin was hot on his heels, and generally hot in the head about the whole ongoing of things as well.

Kireaemitoha continued to sprint forwards, startling a few fabres and porings on his way, and ultimately tripping over a pupa. Pupa, Kireaemitoha, and Muck (who was still unwantedly attached to his master's robes) all tumbled down to the ground together, and lay there in a terrified heap as the enraged Paladin neared them, nostrils flaring. Muck let out a little whimper and began yanking itself away from the mage, struggling to free its thorns from his robe.

"This is it, kid. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide." said the Paladin, in a tone that stated finalty.

"Hey, look!" Kireaemitoha pointed over the Paladin's shoulder, praying again. It was stupidly suicidal to play the same gormless trick twice on anybody, he thought. The Paladin thought the same way, it seemed, and so he looked over his shoulder. This gave Kireaemitoha his chance: he ran for tooth, limb, and everything that goes with it. However, this was the end of the line. They had run straight onto the great Bridge of Geffen, and they were stuck now. The Paladin was at one end, and Kireaemitoha was stuck at the other. Nothing but a few hundred feet of enchanted water lay below him, which perhaps contained a kraken or two. The Paladin grinned, having finally cornered his quarry. He cracked his stone sized knuckles. Kireaemitoha pretended that it didn't scare the shit out of him.

The mage let out a shout of laughter (which was actually a cry of terror that was well manipulated by the experienced Kireaemitoha). "What do you think you can do against magic, you foolish man. You want to fight? Alright, then, lets see how you do against the elements of the universe!"

Impressive, he thought to himself. That sort of speech would have to intimidate anyone. Indeed, he saw a flicker of doubt cross the Paladin's face, but that was quickly replaced by a leer. "Elements of the Universe? What can a runt like you do to me?"

"Kahala!" Kireaemitoha screamed, without warning. The Paladin took a step back, startled. "Kahala! Swihesaaa! Shwimb whimb!" Little muck finally detached himself from his master and scurried away, as fast as his little feet would carry him.

A light breeze swept over the area, and it soon strengthened. The air was thick with a strange sort of electric charge, and flashes of spirits from the world of the dead were seen around the Paladin. He let out a yell and took another step back; his amour and sword were no match against magic. "Damn you and your sorcery!" He yelled, his voice quivering with terror. Kireaemitoha prayed that he would run, because he knew what was coming next. Indeed, he dreaded what was coming after this, simply because nothing was. A few seconds later, the air calmed and things went back to normal. He sighed, and coughed. It was pretty impressive, still, for a dropout mage, he insisted to himself.

The Paladin stared for a moment, unsure of why he wasn't dead yet. When it was clear that he wasn't going to be any time soon, he let out another yell of rage and stomped towards Kireaemitoha. This was it, he was done for now, the mage decided. He watched as death neared him, and...tripped? Over MUCK? (Muck, oh poor muck, was too slow on his feet and didn't manage to get out of the way in time. All this excitement was too much for the little xerophyte) He watched as the Paladin flailed his arms, and in a stroke of brilliant inspiration, shoved him so that he fell over the great Bridge of Geffen. A second past before a heavy splash was heard, and around ten seconds after that, the Paladin's curses were heard.

"Gotcha" Kireaemitoha said, quietly, and trudged back towards the magical city.

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Author's Notes: lol, this was so much fun to write. Hope you have fun reading it, too! Please Review

c y a n i d e .waffle

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